Dear Mike,
I am an idiot. I continuously casted you aside and labeled you as my friend as I dated other men. You are real, you are sweet, you are funny; you are everything I need in a man. I ruined my chance with you and I will never forgive myself. Seeing you with her nearly broke my heart. I know you are just trying to find love and enjoy your days, just like me. I want you. I only want you. I wish I had seen this earlier but now it is too late.
Please do not give up on me.
-D
In my last month before moving home I thought I would explore the world of Tinder. I enjoyed all the attention I got from men and I enjoyed feeling WANTED. I didn’t plan to have it go anywhere since I was leaving in a month. Then comes Jon. He sent me a message that was so thoughtful and made me genuinely want to reply and make a connection. We talked for days, non stop, then agreed to get dinner. That first night together was amazing. We closed the bar down we went to, just talking and having a good time. We didn’t want it to end so we went back to his place and I stayed over until 4 am, again just talking and hanging out. It was the start of something, I could feel it. I drove home at 4 am imagining all the places this relationship could go and feeling more giddy than I have in a long time. Jon and I hung out nearly every single day for that last month. I cry every time I think about that last day leaving him.
But we committed to us. Even though we live 10 hours from each other, that connection was too strong to give up. We decided to commit to each other and have a long distance relationship. It went smoothly for about a week. Then Jon’s detachment and emotionless self started to come through. A side of him I hadnt truly experienced but completely shattered me.
I spend nearly everyday crying – unknown to him – because of how little he is giving me in this relationship. What happened to the Jon I met? That Jon CARED. That Jon WANTED ME. That Jon was the guy I imagined a life with. This new Jon….is everything but the good. I feel uncared and unwanted. That isn’t how a relationship should make you feel. Instead of feeling excited when his name is on my phone, I feel tired. I can’t do this anymore.
I’m devesated because this relationship had SO MUCH possibility, and I truly believed it could work. I am always so hopeful. And now It’s all probably ending.
Bye Jon.
I love so incredibly hard. I don’t have guards up, I don’t hide how I’m feeling. I am very straight forward, If I like you then I go for it and I put 100% in with not a care in the world if I get hurt. That is what life is about. It might hurt SO BAD in the end, but it could also lead to something incredibly amazing. If you don’t give it all you have you will never know.
I gave everything to Zack. He helped me through my breakup with Cameron and I quickly started feeling more and more for Zack. We texted every day and talked on the phone every other day. I bought a plane ticket to go see him (he lives across the US from me) only after a few weeks of talking. It felt right. It felt like something that could grow into something so amazing and this could be the person for me. I felt all those feelings right off the bat. Sounds ridiculous, but it felt right already. I visited him and it was a perfect weekend. I fit in with his friends and I had a smile on my face the entire weekend. Until the end. He attempted to end it with me right there – I should have let him. Instead I made him see this was not the end for us, we should continue as we have been, no strings attached but still learning about each other and growing together. Maybe down the line it would work out! A week later, he ended it officially. He ghosted me for two days and when I called him out for it he sent me a long text that essentially put a stop to it all.
“I still want to be your friend though.”
Fuck. No.
What I did in this “relationship” was love hard and love fast and put my heart on the line, what he did was end it before it could hurt him. I don’t want a friend who runs scared. LOVE HARD.
It has been about a month and a half since I broke up with Cameron. I feel freer, but I’m still not happy. Since we broke up I have started making plans, plans I never even dreamed of while I was stuck in a never-going-anywhere relationship. The biggest roadblock I’ve had is that I’m stuck in Ohio. I moved here for Cameron and now I’m stuck in a lease in a state I hate. I had a breakdown to my mom yesterday and it ultimately ended with her agreeing to help me get out of my lease if I come home ASAP.
So guess what? I’m going home. And I can’t wait. We have tentatively planned for me to go home by the end of February or by March 1st. I just need to scrape by for a little over a month.
The hardest part about leaving? Leaving my job. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this, but I’m a nanny out here in Ohio. I absolutely adore the family I nanny for and I truly love the baby I watch everyday. They have become my family out here in Ohio and I don’t want to leave them. I feel so incredibly guilty leaving them earlier than we planned. I know they will understand and they’ll be able to find a replacement nanny but It just feels so unfair to me. I made a commitment and now I’m backing out. I hate doing that. I don’t know when I’ll tell them, but I know it needs to be soon.
I’m scared, sad, stressed, confused, overwhelmed, excited, impatient, and dare I say it…a little happy? I’m happy to be going home. With all this stress and sadness of leaving I need to hold onto that little bit of happiness. For once, I’m being very selfish in this move and I am choosing happiness. And that’s what it should be about right? Choosing happiness over everything else? I hope this change will help me start to go in the right direction and get me to where I want to be.
I’M GOING HOME!
I guess I should mention that for the last two years I’ve been in a long distance relationship. It’s interesting because it happened shortly after my “you do you” rant about Bryson. I fell in love. Or so I thought. We broke up two weeks ago, only a couple days away from our two year anniversary. That weight I’ve felt on my chest? My lack of air and constant panic attacks? Him. Cameron was nothing but nice to me, but his smothering nearly took all the air from me. I think I am going to write a whole separate post on him and our relationship because it is a lot to unpack. I hope my unpacking can help someone else, and maybe myself in the process.
I still get panic attacks, I still lack the air to breathe deeply. But that weight is lifted. I have so much more to learn about myself before I feel like I can breathe again normally. That day we broke up, I felt like I could breathe again. I was able to take one big breath, fully. I cried immediately following that breath. I haven’t breathed like that in two years. I am trying so hard to get back to that care free, happy self that I once was. At least now I can say I really am taking those steps….I am officially choosing happiness. And I’m not just saying it this time, I am taking real steps. First, removing that weight. Next….who knows?
I missed this. I missed having an outlet. I need an outlet. I recently have started having panic attacks again. I wake up sweaty, heart racing, and unable to breathe. Usually, this only happens at night but this week its been every day. I feel a heavy weight on my chest and I am unable to lift it on my own. I’ve been struggling. I read through my few posts on here and it’s crazy how different my life is. I read my first post and reading those words…”From here on out I choose to be happy.” really hit home. I haven’t been doing that and I think I need to reevaluate how I’ve been living. I am back to the blog life. I need an outlet.
What do you do when you get so angry, so upset, so frustrated…that you can’t get back to normal? I cry, I fake a smile, I sleep, I eat, I talk it out, I scream. But nothing works. What do you do when you feel like you will forever hold this anger? I can’t stop my tears. The more I sit and do nothing, the worse it gets. The more I talk it out, the worse it gets. I don’t want to feel this way anymore Why can’t I stop? Why?
Be Independent.
Be Alone.
Be Strong.
Most importantly, be happy. And Don’t put up with those who make you unhappy.
Remember Bryson? He has not been very nice to me lately, and neither have all my guy friends. They made me cry, so you know what I did? I left.
A month ago, I never would have left. I was so dependent on these people and felt the NEED to be included. But I have come to terms with something I think everyone else should as well; It is ok to be alone. Why surround yourself with people who make you feel terrible? Bryson has repeatedly made me feel like I am not ENOUGH, I am not WORTH a date. But you know what? I am. I am pretty kickass when you get to know me, and I am pretty goddamn good in bed. I am STRONG. I am INDEPENDENT. And I do NOT need someone else to make me happy. So goodbye Bryson, you are not worth my time. I am worth it, and you have lost out.
I am excited to be who I want to be. You do you, and I will do me.
I am 21 years old! Going into my SENIOR year in college! I stupidly thought that by now, with all my experience, boys would make perfect sense. But if I have learned anything in my 21 years on this earth, it is this: NO ONE MAKES SENSE. Boys and girls alike. We all do irrational, unexplainable, confusing things. We say and do things we don’t mean, and hide the stuff we DO mean. I am writing this post because I am very confused and need to make sense of it all.
I broke up with my boyfriend (*Matthew) of 2 years a couple weeks ago. I immediately fell into a new situation with one of his roommates (Bryson). This all sounds terrible, but Bryson and I had history from before I started dating my boyfriend. Never cheated on Matthew, and never even considered Bryson until we broke up and he was there for me. So what am I confused about? BRYSON.
He and I sat down about a week ago and discussed how we were feeling. We both agreed we were “interested” in each other, but decided we couldn’t pursue the emotional aspect of a possible relationship for a while since I JUST got out of a relationship. Then he said the worlds more asshole-ish thing in the world. He told me he can’t/won’t take me on a date, but he would definitely pursue the “physical” aspects of a relationship with me. Basically he told me we could have sex.
Now I am a very confident, independent, sexually inclined women. So this comment, as terrible as it sounded, was ok with me. At the moment, I understood the reasoning behind it and I didn’t mind getting a little sex here and there with “no-strings-attached”. But is there ever a relationship so simple? The answer is no. We continued on in this manner, and low and behold, my feelings have deepened for him. But he still acts just as uncommitted. I have to text him first to talk, I have to visit him to see him, basically I have to do all the work. If he was really interested in me, wouldn’t’ he WANT to hang out with me? Wouldn’t he reach out when I stop talking? He says one thing, and then does another. So that leaves me with the question of the day: Is he saying things he doesn’t feel, and hiding what he does?
I really like Bryson But I know I cant play these games any longer. I just need answers and I don’t think he is going to give me them. I think its time to move on to the next guy(s) and come back to this in the future when he pulls his shit together. I am focusing on ME and ONLY me from here on out. You do you, and I will do me.
*Names were changed for anonymity
Honestly, why did I start this blog? It was spur of the moment, in the middle of class, and seemingly unlike me. I don’t expect ANYONE to read this blog, and I hope no one does. This blog is for my own wellbeing, my mental sanity. But if you just stumbled upon it, and it brings you any amount of happiness – or just makes you laugh even once – then I guess I am ok with that. Now let me remind myself why I did this…
Nothing special, I just want to write a blog about my life.
Maybe I'm Happy 